Rise of the Planet of the Single Women

Women are rejecting marriage in Asia, says this week’s Economist magazine in Asia’s Lonely Hearts, warning that the ‘social implications of this are serious’.

For someone who celebrated her fifth wedding anniversary just a week ago, I’m not categorized as one of ‘these’ women. But I just could as well have been. I got married because I fell in love with the right guy and marriage worked out the logistics of traveling between our residences and saved on mounting mobile bills.

Yeah, it doesn’t sound very romantic. But in the end romance is about being in love and marriage is about convenience.

Would I have got married if I wasn’t sure about Dan?

No.

Would society make snide remarks about my age?

Yes.

Would I care?

No.

And that’s the thing- increasingly women don’t care anymore about what society and family says about marriage. Flings are such teenage thingies, education and career takes over in your 20s; by the 30s it’s climbing the career graph and building financial security. This is when you start thinking about investments and buying properties and opening new businesses. Men, take a backseat. By the 40s you are kind of set in your ways and like it that way.

But along the way if you meet Mr. Right who appreciates and supports what you are doing and what you want, then you get hitched. This was considered a western phenomenon for years but now this is the story of tons of women in Asia.

A dear friend has been meeting several guys her Mum sets up as part of the new-age arranged marriage system in India. Since she couldn’t find her prince charming and cannot be bothered looking for him; so enter matchmaker Mum.

Her weekends are booked for meeting eligible men from her community. She shortlists a few only to dump them after the second meeting (I dare call it a date!). ‘Nice guys are extinct,’ she says emphatically. “They expect me to be an ideal wife and bahu (daughter-in-law) who cooks & serves and looks after the needs of the house; but I don’t have the time for it,” says the investment banker, reinforcing the Economist’s argument that women are retreating from marriage because being both employed and married is tough in Asia.

I ask her if she is giving up on marriage. ‘No, no, hopeful still,’ she says.

Wai, a friend from Japan says, ‘any talk of settling down and my girlfriend decides to avoid me for the next couple of days. How many times will she say no, so she uses the silent treatment to reinforce her point?’

Wai has been with his girlfriend for five years but says his girlfriend is ‘not ready yet’ for any commitment. She likes her life and doesn’t want to change anything. ‘Besides I don’t think she is very fond of having my family around’.

This ‘single’ trend has serious implications for society, warns the Economist. Though most people I spoke to acknowledge that society will change they didn’t see it as a devastating factor. Perhaps because broken society is not yet a worrying issue in Asia. While many women are shying away from marriage, in Asia per-marital sex, fleeting partners and divorces are not as rampant as in the West.

‘You can’t ask a person to marry to save society. It isn’t the dark ages,’ groaned a 40 something college professor from Korea who never wants to get married. ‘I am happy with my life; I don’t see any need to marry.’

‘It’s better to be single than a divorcee’, argues a woman who went through a terrible divorce recently. ‘You get married to satisfy society and when you have to break it for any reason you again get frowns from society.’

The Economist suggests that family law should give divorced women a more generous share of the couple’s assets.

‘Are you kidding me?’ remarked a friend who went through a terrible divorce and has no faith in marriage or women. The divorce laws need to change to give both men & women the exit route out of a suffocating marriage without one squeezing out the other’s wealth.

‘Women are rich themselves, they really don’t need to divorce someone for their wealth’, argues a Malaysian businesswoman.

Sue, a friend from Taiwan quoted Frank Sinatra, ‘A woman doesn't know what happiness is until she's married. By then it's too late’.

Of course she changed the word ‘man’ to ‘woman’ in the quote but that exactly what she says has changed. Women have become the new age men – independent and free of any emotional baggage.

It seems the new age woman cannot be seduced with any baits or threats to marriage. It has to feel right from within for them to take the plunge.

Just like in the recent blockbuster movie Rise of the Planet of the Apes, where the now ‘intelligent’ apes take over the world with mind blogging ease; the now ‘independent’ (read single) women are changing the dynamics of the Asians society with mind blogging speed. 'Being single is the in thing', says a friend.

As someone who is neck deep in the marital bliss (and sometimes the marital blues); I enjoy being a couple and yet be able to do my own thing. Maybe that’s the trick.

I admit I sometimes miss my single life especially when late at night I cuddle up on my couch and watch the re-runs of Sex and the City and as Beyonce’s song fills the air, reminisce my days of being a single lady.

Then Dan snuggles in and pretends he’s interested in why Samantha is dumping Smith or why Carrie is moving to Paris with the Russian. He even fakes interest in the Manolo Blahniks and Jimmy Choos (this from a guy who doesn't even remember his own shoe size!) Its hilarious. And I know deep in my heart I’m truly glad I’m not alone.

Is erotic capital your key to success?

Have you put your makeup on today? Are you flaunting those curves? Have you left those soft curls to dance on your cheeks as you pout your blood-red lips?   

You get the picture.

That’s disgusting, some would say. That’s sexists, the feminist would argue. And then some would simply give the all-knowing half smile.

Women and men for centuries knew that looking good was important, yet some like me couldn’t bother with putting make-up in the morning if it meant a few extra minutes of sleep.  

But I was jolted out of my slumber last night when the News-night presenter suddenly asked, is erotic capital an important factor in workplace success? 

The question was prompted by a study done by an LSE sociologist Dr Catherine Hakim last year whose book Honey Money was published recently.

I missed the buzz around the study then. (Thank god for that, as last year I had put on at least 10kgs and was trotting like a duck in webbed feet to work until a week before Zoya was born.) Now in a better place, I decided to browse through the book for some light reading.

I admit I was a little curious especially after Hakim said the study concluded that beauty and sex appeal have become more important personal assets often just as important as educational qualifications.  

Erotic capital was a term coined by Hakim in 2010- a combination of physical and social attractiveness which makes some men and women agreeable company to colleagues, attractive to all members of their society and especially to the opposite sex.   

It’s the newest addition to the other capitals that we all should possess – economic, cultural and social and applies to both men & women in the workplace.

Hakim identifies six elements of erotic capital: beauty, sexual attractiveness, social graces, liveliness, social presentation and sexual performance. And in some countries the seventh, she says is fertility.

So I asked my friends and colleagues if erotic capital is their key to success.

Jane, a trendy young brunette, blushed for two minutes before she whispered ‘I hope so. I’m not that intelligent but I have been told I’m cute.’ She is fresh out of college and has found herself a retail job in her first interview.

Kevin told me he didn’t believe in this ‘rubbish’. ‘I’m a charmer and though I’m not the traditional sexy bloke, I’m a charmer’, he repeated. Kevin has a good sense of humour and is easy going and helpful which makes him very popular with his colleagues.

‘I’m a great people's person. Most people don’t like to talk much with ugly people. Its helps to look good and its important to dress well and look pretty,’ said Alana who confessed that she spend 45 minutes on makeup and hair every morning. ‘I pick up my outfit the night before, so I know exactly what accessories-bag, shoes, jewellery- I need with it. Gives more time in the morning to do make-up’, she explains. 

‘I think all this is disgusting. I’m very well educated and have a lot of experience. Why do I need to flaunt my looks, I have brains,’ said Mandy, a senior consultant in a law firm.

George believes that beauty is a thing that women fuss over. ‘Men don’t care much as along as they look clean and manly they are happy’. Manly, he said, was not getting caught in tight jeans and shocking pink shirt!

Mannford says that ‘being handsome is half the job done; for the other half you need to dress well and talk well-be intelligent and mysterious. And of course, be rich, that’s the biggest attraction!’

Since a year that ‘erotic capital’ made headline, men magazines too have capitalized on it. Men’s Health magazine gives tips to Increase your 'Erotic Capital' to attract the hottest women. There has been no dearth of such articles in women magazines for centuries.

And unfortunately some who don’t fit in cosmetically have suffered in the workplace.

A month ago, a young sales assistant Melanie Stark at Harrods was made to quit because she refused to wear full make-up. The two-page "ladies" dress code at Harrods stipulates: "Full makeup at all time: base, blusher, full eyes (not too heavy), lipstick, lip liner and gloss are worn at all time and maintained discreetly (please take into account the store display lighting which has a 'washing out' effect)."

Abercrombie & Fitch in Saville Row was accused of "hiding" a sales assistant in a stockroom because her prosthetic arm did not fit with its "look policy". In 2009 a tribunal awarded her £8,000 for unlawful harassment.

Although I believe that no one should be able to tell you to wear make-up (or grow an arm), I don’t see any harm is looking good, flaunting your looks, being sociable, intelligent and interesting. But what does sexual performance and fertility have to do with workplace success?

I asked Dan if he was more popular since our daughter's birth. He gave me the look (stop asking idiotic questions!) I'm the wife so I know how to nag till I get my answers, but he only blurted out, 'I think Zoya is more popular now than you & I'. That I agree. 

Even though Hakim’s book explains this using several examples across different global cultures, I don’t think it still justifies including these two elements but the anecdotes are interesting.

So with erotic capital being the buzz word of this decade, has Hakim convinced me enough to finally indulge in full make-up & hair every morning?

Over my sleep? Hell no!