Will the 'real faithful' please stand up!

Is anyone faithful anymore? A piece in the Observer this Sunday questioned whether anyone was really monogamous anymore? It felt that increasingly infidelity was becoming a part of any relationship with modern methods to 'cheat' like text, email, phone, online dating etc and soon we would come to accept infidelity just like we have with premarital sex and homosexuality.

But to really understand if anyone is faithful anymore we need to first understand what exactly is monogamy?

According to a friend, first you have to be in a relationship and then pledge your body, heart and soul to that person and that person alone. But as humans don't we tend to love many people at one time to varying degrees in varying ways? So if we can emotionally love two people, then is monogamy physically loving just one person? I ask.

But he asks in return, 'when do you think emotional love will give way to physical love?' Eventually I suppose, perhaps never one hopes.

A relationship expert in the Observer says, 'we have to work towards renegotiating our ideas of monogamy. We need to see it as an exclusive emotional commitment, but not an arrangement that necessarily denotes sexual exclusivity'.

So her argument is that we can physically be in a relationship with someone as long as there is no emotional connection and we can still call it monogamy?

But that's living in a fool's paradise, argues another friend. How can you guarantee that lack of sexual exclusivity will not lead to lack of exclusive emotional commitment? Actually how can you guarantee exclusive emotional commitment anyway? When we talk about affairs what are we referring to? Don’t most affairs involve emotional attachment to a third person? Saying that affairs are all about the sex is no different than saying marriage is all about the sex. Emotional intimacy and genuine friendship are also most important factors ,' she explains.

Perhaps it's not true for all. A couple I knew two years ago, bored with their sex life decided to spice it up by joining a swingers club. They told me they we still very much in love with each other but needed a little aphrodisiac in their lives. Their sexual partners were just that - sexual partners. There are also some couples that prefer to spend their 'honeymoon' at an orgy. They argue it helps improve their relationship with each other and appreciate their time together more. So are they polygamous? Or is this the new age monogamy?

Is a little harmless flirting bad? Most people say no. Its fun. What about suggestive flirting? Perhaps you need to tread a little carefully there.

My colleague was furious when she found her boyfriend had a text message from his ex girlfriend saying that she misses him. She told me that if she had found him send a reply to that message, she would have dumped him instantly. Most people love to see their partners turn a little jealous, makes them feel wanted and much loved. But when does harmless jealousy turn into paranoia and ruin a relationship?

But most often, a little flirting is probably a good thing in any relationship. I love teasing my husband with his colleagues esp because I know he hates it. My friends love to flirt with him and I'm ok with it. A little teasing just adds a bit of fun in any healthy relationship.

The shrink in the Observer thinks that, in time, we'll come to accept affairs in the same way that we've come to accept premarital sex and homosexuality: not as deviancies, weaknesses or sin, but as part of who we are and how we love.

I've had mixed responses to this one: from stoic silences to emphatic nos to yeses with a finer print at the bottom which included not causing heartache and broken families. So is it better to keep affairs under wraps? Can't hurt you if you don't know it ever happened!

My friend argues that we need to learn to live without labels or at least learn to expand them and understand them on a different level. Not everything has to be categorized and put in a compartment, in fact if you would ever closely examine some of the most meaningful and intimate relationships in your life, you will realize that those are the hardest ones to label. This is because you relate to them and connect with them on so many different levels.

I agree with her. Some relationships in life are too hard to define and better to be left unlabelled. And most importantly not to be used as a gauge to judge someone's faithfulness. Or soon we might just be left with no one standing!