Will the 'real faithful' please stand up!

Is anyone faithful anymore? A piece in the Observer this Sunday questioned whether anyone was really monogamous anymore? It felt that increasingly infidelity was becoming a part of any relationship with modern methods to 'cheat' like text, email, phone, online dating etc and soon we would come to accept infidelity just like we have with premarital sex and homosexuality.

But to really understand if anyone is faithful anymore we need to first understand what exactly is monogamy?

According to a friend, first you have to be in a relationship and then pledge your body, heart and soul to that person and that person alone. But as humans don't we tend to love many people at one time to varying degrees in varying ways? So if we can emotionally love two people, then is monogamy physically loving just one person? I ask.

But he asks in return, 'when do you think emotional love will give way to physical love?' Eventually I suppose, perhaps never one hopes.

A relationship expert in the Observer says, 'we have to work towards renegotiating our ideas of monogamy. We need to see it as an exclusive emotional commitment, but not an arrangement that necessarily denotes sexual exclusivity'.

So her argument is that we can physically be in a relationship with someone as long as there is no emotional connection and we can still call it monogamy?

But that's living in a fool's paradise, argues another friend. How can you guarantee that lack of sexual exclusivity will not lead to lack of exclusive emotional commitment? Actually how can you guarantee exclusive emotional commitment anyway? When we talk about affairs what are we referring to? Don’t most affairs involve emotional attachment to a third person? Saying that affairs are all about the sex is no different than saying marriage is all about the sex. Emotional intimacy and genuine friendship are also most important factors ,' she explains.

Perhaps it's not true for all. A couple I knew two years ago, bored with their sex life decided to spice it up by joining a swingers club. They told me they we still very much in love with each other but needed a little aphrodisiac in their lives. Their sexual partners were just that - sexual partners. There are also some couples that prefer to spend their 'honeymoon' at an orgy. They argue it helps improve their relationship with each other and appreciate their time together more. So are they polygamous? Or is this the new age monogamy?

Is a little harmless flirting bad? Most people say no. Its fun. What about suggestive flirting? Perhaps you need to tread a little carefully there.

My colleague was furious when she found her boyfriend had a text message from his ex girlfriend saying that she misses him. She told me that if she had found him send a reply to that message, she would have dumped him instantly. Most people love to see their partners turn a little jealous, makes them feel wanted and much loved. But when does harmless jealousy turn into paranoia and ruin a relationship?

But most often, a little flirting is probably a good thing in any relationship. I love teasing my husband with his colleagues esp because I know he hates it. My friends love to flirt with him and I'm ok with it. A little teasing just adds a bit of fun in any healthy relationship.

The shrink in the Observer thinks that, in time, we'll come to accept affairs in the same way that we've come to accept premarital sex and homosexuality: not as deviancies, weaknesses or sin, but as part of who we are and how we love.

I've had mixed responses to this one: from stoic silences to emphatic nos to yeses with a finer print at the bottom which included not causing heartache and broken families. So is it better to keep affairs under wraps? Can't hurt you if you don't know it ever happened!

My friend argues that we need to learn to live without labels or at least learn to expand them and understand them on a different level. Not everything has to be categorized and put in a compartment, in fact if you would ever closely examine some of the most meaningful and intimate relationships in your life, you will realize that those are the hardest ones to label. This is because you relate to them and connect with them on so many different levels.

I agree with her. Some relationships in life are too hard to define and better to be left unlabelled. And most importantly not to be used as a gauge to judge someone's faithfulness. Or soon we might just be left with no one standing!

Walk out of your history!

Are we wasting our present and putting our future in jeopardy crying over the past? And when do we let off of the past and move ahead?

I know of someone who terms everything in her past as ‘bad’ and has become a self declared victim of her past. She has perhaps not realized it yet, but she has alienated everyone who should have been close to her with her blame games. And most importantly she has put her future on hold simply because she can’t let of off the ‘tragedies’ of the past.

Personally, I always believed things happen in life for a reason- even your worst experiences are in fact your best teachers. Or at least you should make them your best teachers. Learn, grow and evolve. There is nothing worse in life than self pity. The more you hold onto them, the more they pull you down, stunting your growth and choking everything good out of you. Let go and see how you heal and feel.

I remember as a child whenever I complained about life being unfair to me for silly things as all children do, a close friend instead of empathizing/ sympathizing with me, like all friends should, would tell me the worst and barbaric stories of life being cruel to someone he knows.

I strongly suspect now, he made most of them up, but it did make me realize that my ‘tragic’ stories where actually insignificant in the larger picture and it made me appreciate my life more. He also threw in a little success story of someone overcoming adversity and made me believe that I had the power to turn my life around instead of just being a victim of circumstances.

I read somewhere, getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward.

In my earlier post ‘Love you to death’, I had mentioned about a friend Anna, going through a bad marriage. She suffered alone for many many years and very recently she let go. She let go of her husband, her marriage, all the pain, the blame games, and everything that was pulling her life down. Today, she has found love again, got married this weekend and after a very long time I saw a genuine smile on her face. Kudos to her!

Happiness begins with you ‘wanting’ to be happy. Growth only happens when you ‘want’ to grow. At the end of the day, the only person who can make or break your life is you!

The strength of character is when you move on and move so far away that when you look back, nothing else matters.

If you missed a career opportunity, find another one and do everything you can to succeed in that field so that when you look back you don’t regret missing the first one at all.

If you failed a test, excel in the next one and the one after that and the following one, so that your ‘failed’ test has no significance in your life.

If you had a bad relationship, abandon it and find one where you are loved, respected and cherished and see the scars slowly disappear.

If you had a lonely childhood, have many friends and build a life for yourself that involves having people not just around you, but people ‘wanting’ to be around you.

If you think you were not treated well, treat others like you would expect them to treat you and see the turnaround in your life. You will have many friends and family wanting to do everything for you, but if you are going to be nasty to them because you think its payback time, you will find yourself alone! And then you can only blame yourself.

So back to my earlier question, when do we let go of our past? And the answer is NOW! Stand up and walk out of your history.

R.I.P, my darling high heels!

A gorgeous pair of high heeled stilettos sitting put in my shoe closet, looked up at me with those big sulky eyes complaining of being ignored for so long. It brought me back to the old days of 'floating in high heels'. It seems so long ago.

I've given up heels, of all kinds now. Even a pair of sensibly heeled boots were stacked away as the snow covered the streets of London. In its place were heavy duty boots with flat rubber soles that ensured my feet stayed firmly planted on the ground.

A few years ago I remember prancing about the streets, in what my friends lovingly called the 'tic tac' shoes, (named after the sound they made when they hit the mortar!), the fashion symbol of a young working woman in London. Oh! I so loved them. I spent a bomb on them and wore them to many important interviews, events and even dates!

But now its- flat shoes, flat boots and even flat slippers at home. One of the many things you give up when the baby growing in you overpowers your life.

While I stare at this gorgeous pair of heels before me, the angel and the devil on my shoulder begin their arguments.

Devil: There is no ban on high heels during pregnancy. So why can't you wear them?

Angel: Heels affect your centre of gravity and strain your back. Is it wise to add another ache to the many aches that you already experience?

Devil: But they make your legs look long and gorgeous. It's a vital accessory to looking 'sexy' when your body goes through 'not so sexy' changes.

Angel: Well, high heels can also cause your feet to swell - not so sexy then, eh? And a fall in it could be potentially hazardous to you and the baby.

'Baby!' - And that's the end of the devil.

When it comes to the baby in any argument - the baby wins hands down.

So I slowly wrap all my heels in muslin cloth, put them in a boxes and bury them behind all the sensible (read boring) shoes I now possess.

Yup, I'm a Mum-to-be now and life has changed. No more prancing, hopping and skipping. And definitely no running!

I still float though- not so much on high heels but high hopes and it's an equally amazing feeling.