Rise of the Planet of the Single Women

Women are rejecting marriage in Asia, says this week’s Economist magazine in Asia’s Lonely Hearts, warning that the ‘social implications of this are serious’.

For someone who celebrated her fifth wedding anniversary just a week ago, I’m not categorized as one of ‘these’ women. But I just could as well have been. I got married because I fell in love with the right guy and marriage worked out the logistics of traveling between our residences and saved on mounting mobile bills.

Yeah, it doesn’t sound very romantic. But in the end romance is about being in love and marriage is about convenience.

Would I have got married if I wasn’t sure about Dan?

No.

Would society make snide remarks about my age?

Yes.

Would I care?

No.

And that’s the thing- increasingly women don’t care anymore about what society and family says about marriage. Flings are such teenage thingies, education and career takes over in your 20s; by the 30s it’s climbing the career graph and building financial security. This is when you start thinking about investments and buying properties and opening new businesses. Men, take a backseat. By the 40s you are kind of set in your ways and like it that way.

But along the way if you meet Mr. Right who appreciates and supports what you are doing and what you want, then you get hitched. This was considered a western phenomenon for years but now this is the story of tons of women in Asia.

A dear friend has been meeting several guys her Mum sets up as part of the new-age arranged marriage system in India. Since she couldn’t find her prince charming and cannot be bothered looking for him; so enter matchmaker Mum.

Her weekends are booked for meeting eligible men from her community. She shortlists a few only to dump them after the second meeting (I dare call it a date!). ‘Nice guys are extinct,’ she says emphatically. “They expect me to be an ideal wife and bahu (daughter-in-law) who cooks & serves and looks after the needs of the house; but I don’t have the time for it,” says the investment banker, reinforcing the Economist’s argument that women are retreating from marriage because being both employed and married is tough in Asia.

I ask her if she is giving up on marriage. ‘No, no, hopeful still,’ she says.

Wai, a friend from Japan says, ‘any talk of settling down and my girlfriend decides to avoid me for the next couple of days. How many times will she say no, so she uses the silent treatment to reinforce her point?’

Wai has been with his girlfriend for five years but says his girlfriend is ‘not ready yet’ for any commitment. She likes her life and doesn’t want to change anything. ‘Besides I don’t think she is very fond of having my family around’.

This ‘single’ trend has serious implications for society, warns the Economist. Though most people I spoke to acknowledge that society will change they didn’t see it as a devastating factor. Perhaps because broken society is not yet a worrying issue in Asia. While many women are shying away from marriage, in Asia per-marital sex, fleeting partners and divorces are not as rampant as in the West.

‘You can’t ask a person to marry to save society. It isn’t the dark ages,’ groaned a 40 something college professor from Korea who never wants to get married. ‘I am happy with my life; I don’t see any need to marry.’

‘It’s better to be single than a divorcee’, argues a woman who went through a terrible divorce recently. ‘You get married to satisfy society and when you have to break it for any reason you again get frowns from society.’

The Economist suggests that family law should give divorced women a more generous share of the couple’s assets.

‘Are you kidding me?’ remarked a friend who went through a terrible divorce and has no faith in marriage or women. The divorce laws need to change to give both men & women the exit route out of a suffocating marriage without one squeezing out the other’s wealth.

‘Women are rich themselves, they really don’t need to divorce someone for their wealth’, argues a Malaysian businesswoman.

Sue, a friend from Taiwan quoted Frank Sinatra, ‘A woman doesn't know what happiness is until she's married. By then it's too late’.

Of course she changed the word ‘man’ to ‘woman’ in the quote but that exactly what she says has changed. Women have become the new age men – independent and free of any emotional baggage.

It seems the new age woman cannot be seduced with any baits or threats to marriage. It has to feel right from within for them to take the plunge.

Just like in the recent blockbuster movie Rise of the Planet of the Apes, where the now ‘intelligent’ apes take over the world with mind blogging ease; the now ‘independent’ (read single) women are changing the dynamics of the Asians society with mind blogging speed. 'Being single is the in thing', says a friend.

As someone who is neck deep in the marital bliss (and sometimes the marital blues); I enjoy being a couple and yet be able to do my own thing. Maybe that’s the trick.

I admit I sometimes miss my single life especially when late at night I cuddle up on my couch and watch the re-runs of Sex and the City and as Beyonce’s song fills the air, reminisce my days of being a single lady.

Then Dan snuggles in and pretends he’s interested in why Samantha is dumping Smith or why Carrie is moving to Paris with the Russian. He even fakes interest in the Manolo Blahniks and Jimmy Choos (this from a guy who doesn't even remember his own shoe size!) Its hilarious. And I know deep in my heart I’m truly glad I’m not alone.